If you are someone who has to plan a funeral due to the loss
of a loved one, or perhaps you are attending a service for
a family member or friend, here are some explanations of terms
and situations you may find yourself having to address.
The funeral is a ceremony of proven
worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity
for the survivors and others who share in the loss to express
their love, respect, grief and appreciation for a life that
has been lived. It permits facing openly and realistically
the crisis the death presents. Through the funeral the bereaved
take that first step toward emotional adjustment to their
loss. This information has been prepared as a convenient reference
for modern funeral practices and customs.
The
Funeral Service
The type of service conducted
for the deceased is specified by the family. Funeral directors
are trained to assist families in arranging whatever type
of service they desire. The service, held either at a place
of worship or at the funeral home with the deceased present,
varies in ritual according to denomination. The presence of
friends at this time is an acknowledgement of friendship and
support. It is helpful to friends and the community to have
an obituary notice published announcing the death and type
of service to be held.
Private
Service
This service is by invitation only
and may be held at a place of worship, a funeral home or a
family home. Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends
attend the funeral service. Often public visitation is held,
condolences are sent, and the body is viewed.
Memorial
Service
A memorial service is a service without
the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures according
to the community and religious affiliations. Some families
prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside
service with a memorial service later at the church or funeral
home.
Pallbearers
Friends, relatives, church members
or business associates may be asked to serve as pallbearers.
The funeral director will secure pallbearers if requested
to do so by the family.
Honorary
Pallbearers
When the deceased has been active
in political, business, church or civic circles, it may be
appropriate for the family to request close associates of
the deceased to serve as honorary pallbearers. They do not
actively carry the casket.
Eulogy
A eulogy may be given by a member
of the family, clergy, a close personal friend or a business
associate of the deceased. The eulogy is not to be lengthy,
but should offer praise and commendation and reflect the life
of the person who has died.
Dress
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer
inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons attending
a funeral should be dressed in good taste so as to show dignity
and respect for the family and the occasion.
Funeral Procession/Cortege
When the funeral ceremony and the
burial are both held within the local area, friends and relatives
may accompany the family to the cemetery. The procession is
formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The funeral
director can advise you of the traffic regulations and procedures
to follow while driving in a funeral procession.
Condolences
The time of death is a very confusing
time for family members. No matter what your means of expressing
your sympathy, it is important to clearly identify yourself
to the family.
Flowers
Sending a floral tribute is a very
appropriate way of expressing sympathy to the family of the
deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and beauty and
offer much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can either
be sent to the funeral home or the residence. If sent to the
residence, usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating
a person's continued sympathy for the family is suggested.
The florist places an identification card on the floral tribute.
At the funeral home the cards are removed from the floral
tributes and given to the family so they may acknowledge the
tributes sent.
Mass Cards
Mass cards can be sent either by
Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers
is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family. A
card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been arranged
may be obtained from any Catholic parish. In some areas it
is possible to obtain Mass cards at the funeral home. The
Mass offering card or envelope is given to the family as an
indication of understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure
that your name and address is legible and that you list your
postal code. This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge
your gift.
Memorial Donations
A memorial contribution, to a specific
cause or charity, can be appreciated as flowers. A large number
of memorial funds are available, however the family may have
expressed a preference. Memorial donations provide financial
support for various projects. If recognized as a charitable
institution, some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes.
Your funeral director is familiar with them and can explain
each option, as well as furnish the donor with "In Memoriam"
cards, which are given to the family.
Sympathy Cards
Sending a card of sympathy, even
if you are only an acquaintance, is appropriate. It means
so much to the family members to know they are in good thoughts.
The card should be in good taste and in keeping with your
relationship to the family of the deceased.
Personal Note
A personal note of sympathy is very
meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression
such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss"
is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other messages.
Telephone Calls
Speaking to a family member gives
you an opportunity to offer your services and make them feel
you really care. If they wish to discuss their recent loss,
don't hesitate to talk to the person about the deceased. Be
a good listener. Sending a telegram expressing your sympathy
is also appropriate.
Visitation
Your presence at the visitation demonstrates
that although someone has died, friends still remain. Your
presence is an eloquent statement that you care.
Visitation provides a time and place
for friends to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy,
rather than awkwardly approaching the subject at the office,
supermarket or social activities. The obituary/death notice
will designate the hours of visitation when the family will
be present and will also designate the times when special
services such as lodge services or prayer services may be
held. Persons may call at the funeral home at any time during
suggested hours of the day or evening to pay respects, even
though the family is not present. Friends and relatives are
requested to sign the register book. A person's full name
should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John Doe". If the person
is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation
as the family may not be familiar with their relationship
to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgement
on how long they should remain at the funeral home or place
of visitation. If they feel their presence is needed, they
should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over,
the survivors often feel very alone in dealing with their
feelings. It is important that they know you are still there.
Keep in touch.
Sympathy
Expressions
When a person calls at the funeral
home, sympathy can be expressed by clasping hands, an embrace,
or a simple statement of condolence, such as:
"I'm sorry."
"My sympathy to you."
"It was good to know John."
"John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will
be missed."
"My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:"Thanks for coming."
"John talked about you often."
"I didn't realize so many people cared."
"Come see me when you can."
Encourage the bereaved to express
their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
Acknowledgements
The family should acknowledge the
flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends. When food
and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also
should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers.
The funeral director may have available printed acknowledgement
cards which can be used by the family. When the sender is
well known to the family, a short personal note should be
written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation
for a contribution or personal service received. The note
can be short, such as:
"Thank
you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely."
"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your
kindness is deeply appreciated."
In some communities it is a practice
to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral
director can assist you with this.
Children at Funerals
At a very early age, children have
an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be
given the option to attend visitation and the funeral service.
The funeral director can advise you on how to assist children
at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional
information and literature.
Grief
Recovery
It is healthy to recognize death
and discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When
a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions
of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others following
the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our
grief with one another. Your local funeral director can help
family and friends locate available resources and grief recovery
programs in your area.
Help a Grieving Friend
Be a listener
Grieving people often find they need
to talk about what's happened and how they feel about it.
You don't have to fix their grief or cheer them up, but you
can share the load just by being there to listen.
It's
all right to cry
There's no need to say "be brave"
or "be strong." Crying helps emotions to be released
so they won't get bottled up. To give permission for tears,
anger or any other emotions will let your friend know you
aren't uncomfortable with their grief.
Stay
in touch
Remember that grief doesn't go away
in a few short weeks. Even one year may not be long enough
to adjust to changes in your life. So, a friend who calls
in 3, 6, or 12 months time may be one of the few who still
asks how things are going. Special days like birthdays or
Christmas may be just the time to pick up the phone and say,
"I was thinking of you today."
